Dear Amy: My best friend, “Maria,” and I are both 14 years old.
Recently, Maria revealed to me that a tendency of mine annoys her.
She and I have very similar interests, and so we try out for similar things in school.
Maria has been practicing the whole year to try out for the hockey team.
I also plan on trying out for the team, with no experience, really just because it looks fun.
Every time the subject of tryouts came up, Maria would give other friends a look, and then look back at me. This obviously bothers her.
After a couple of weeks dealing with this, I asked her about it, and she explained that she found it annoying that everything she does, I do, and I usually come out on top.
She mentioned volleyball tryouts, where I made the team, and she didn’t. Then she moved on to the subject of boys, where one guy she liked started talking to me and never talked to her again. (Also, student elections, which we both plan on running for next year.)
She further explained that although none of that is technically my fault in any way, it annoys her when I talk about them.
Now I don’t know what I can talk about with her.
Discontinuing the friendship is not an option, so how should I go about this?
— Lonely at the Top
Dear Lonely: It is challenging to be bested by your bestie, and surely you can see why “Maria” finds your excellence annoying.
Does this mean that you need to stop excelling, or to alter your own plans? NO!
Girls sometimes have a way of diminishing or apologizing for their own strengths and successes in order to protect the egos of their friends. I hope you won’t do that.
On the other hand, if you are being obnoxious about your supremacy, then find another way to express your enthusiasm, while understanding that some things that come easily to you don’t come easily to others.
Maria was honest with you, and you seem to have responded defensively: “If I can’t talk about competing with you, then what are we going to talk about?” That’s a cop out, and I bet you’re more creative than that.
You can be supportive in the name of friendship, while still trying your hardest to win. Cheer for her to do her best, just as you will do your best.
And yes, it can definitely be lonely at the top, but frankly, if you learn and accept this at age 14, you’ll be a winner in that regard, as well.
Dear Amy: I’m conflicted. I am a single mom and relationship-wise have had very bad luck.
I’ve finally found the man of my dreams. To top it off, he is also amazing with my son. Unfortunately, there is one big issue.
He is about to be offered a job in China (where he is originally from), and I wouldn’t be able to move overseas with him.
Before he met me, his plan was to accept this job once the position became available, but now he’s conflicted.
Should I break off our relationship until he makes that decision on his own?
I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping him from something he ultimately wanted, as he wasn’t happy in the States prior to meeting me.
— Conflicted over China
Dear Conflicted: I don’t think you proactively breaking off the relationship would be useful. In fact, it might seem like a manipulation, even though you don’t mean it that way.
The answer is to love him through this. Assure him that you will support his choice to move back to China, if he decides that is best for him.
Do your best to accept his own wavering, without jumping in with answers.
This sort of selflessness on your part is how you will express your love and respect for him.
Dear Amy: Furthering your ongoing discussion about using gender-neutral pronouns, in Finnish, there is no gendered pronoun.
They simply use “hän” — for any human!
My great-grandmother, who was born in Finland, never got the hang of “she” versus “he” and now I know why!
Maybe Americans could adopt “han” to be truly gender neutral.
— Han Man
Dear Han: According to a recent story in the Washington Post, countries around the world are wrestling with ways to adopt gender-neutral language. As I have read a little bit about the Finnish language, culture, and countryside, it made me want to book my ticket.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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