Ask Amy: Why do people say these things at funerals?

Dear Amy: I lost my husband almost a year ago.

After the funeral a lot of promises were made by my friends and fellow church congregants that would always be there for me in whatever way I needed.

Those promises were sincere, I’m sure, but the majority just went on with their lives. I understand this.

My question is: Why make these promises if you can’t follow through?

Honestly, I would have appreciated a phone call to see how I’m doing, someone dropping in to visit, or inviting me out for coffee. I’m all alone all week until my son visits on the weekend.

It’s been a lonely year.

Lonely Widow

Dear Lonely: I’m so sorry for this loss, and certainly for the loneliness that has followed.

Oftentimes people make these promises after a loss, but don’t follow through in part because after the structured memorial events are over, we don’t seem to have any cultural roadmap for what to do next.

People are wary and uncomfortable navigating another person’s loss, but as you point out, it’s actually easy! A phone call, an invitation for coffee, a visit.

Instead, you likely feel dropped.

I hope you will be a little bit proactive here. How about if you make a phone call to ask a friend if they can meet you for coffee? Others who have lost spouses, especially, might jump at the chance to get together.

I also hope you’ll rejoin your church family. Ask your son to give you a ride and stay for coffee hour.

Dear Amy: My husband’s mother and sister recently moved to our city, and it’s been bumpy. I’m hoping you might weigh in on a disagreement that’s sprung up.

My mother-in-law has some chronic health issues. She lives with her daughter “Jackie,” who is single. Jackie works from home and has a fairly flexible schedule.

My husband and I have two toddlers. We both work long hours out of the house.

My husband and Jackie have struggled to find a reasonable balance of care for their mother. She doesn’t need daily care, but she does have frequent doctors’ appointments and doesn’t like to drive.

Jackie thinks that she and my husband should split the load 50/50. My husband feels this would be equal, but not equitable.

He has a lot of responsibilities at home with our children, in addition to a much more demanding work schedule than Jackie’s. It’s also a lot easier for Jackie to step in since she lives with their mother.

I think it’s hard for her to understand the demands of small children.