Gwyneth Paltrow’s Skiing Trial Is ‘The White Lotus’ On Steroids

Gwyneth Paltrow and her pseudoscientific wellness empire, Goop, have been a meme for as long as she’s been selling vagina-scented candles.

Paltrow has transcended into new heights of internet fame after multiple clips of her ski-and-run trial have been posted online, sparking an avalanche of jokes and memes.

Paltrow has been accused of crashing into retired optometrist, Terry Sanderson, while skiing at Deer Valley Resort, allegedly causing serious injuries, from broken ribs to brain trauma; Sanderson is seeking $300,000 in damages.

Paltrow has countersued for a symbolic $1, claiming that Sanderson was the one who crashed into her, leaving her with a sore knee, prompting her to go for a massage afterwards.

Much like the Depp vs. Heard trial, Paltrow’s case is being live-streamed, blurring the line between reality and entertainment, as out-of-context clips make their way to Twitter and TikTok, featuring bumbling lawyers, bizarre questions and a deliriously bored Paltrow, who can’t even pretend to take the accusation seriously; many of the clips have been likened to SNL skits, or scenes from HBO’s The White Lotus, which lampooned the lives of the rich and pampered.

Paltrow first appeared in court rocking a turtleneck and glasses combo, an outfit that commentators compared to that of Adam Driver in House of Gucci, and serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, whose murders were recently dramatized by Netflix.

In contrast to the intensity of the Depp vs. Heard case, this trial has, thus far, proved a bit of a farce (at least, for us jaded internet junkies), featuring a cast of characters that come across as caricatures.

Paltrow’s blisteringly dismissive attitude and striking outfits have turned her into something of an ironic hero, the physical embodiment of bubble-wrapped privilege, the least relatable celebrity to ever exist.

Lawyer Kristin Vanorman has gained a reputation akin to Lionel Hutz; one popular clip sees Vanorman (who is representing Sanderson) acting like Paltrow’s biggest fan, managing to turn every question into a compliment.

Another clip sees Vanorman grill Paltrow on her relationship with Taylor Swift, for some reason, asking if Paltrow had given Swift “personal intimate gifts” for Christmas, seemingly referring to 2021 commercial for Goop, in which Paltrow slid a vibrator into a gift bag addressed to Swift.

While Sanderson’s claims of injury are serious, quotes and headlines have managed to make a mockery of the proceedings, with one headline reading: “Gwyneth Paltrow ski crash victim can’t enjoy wine tastings due to injuries,” which inspired commentators to dub this “the whitest trial of all time.”

In an unfortunately worded statement, one of Sanderson’s attorneys described Sanderson’s personality as having changed as a result of the alleged incident, stating: “After the crash, he’s no longer charming.”

Paltrow, when asked what had been taken from her in the wake of the incident, stated, in a deadly serious monotone: “I lost half a day of skiing.”

The funniest thing about Paltrow, is that it’s impossible to tell if she knows how funny she is; whether she was in on the joke or not, the phrase instantly exploded into a meme, becoming the phrase that defined the tone of this trial.

It’s not the first time that an out-of-touch Paltrow quote has been met with bemusement; the wellness queen believes that yelling insults at a glass of water can change its molecular structure, and recently sparked controversy after discussing her sparse diet, which resembles that a Dickensian orphan.

There’s a lot of heavy headlines and depressing news stories out there right now, so thankfully, Paltrow is keeping the inhabitants of the internet entertained with fluffy nonsense, reminding us that the lives of the fabulously wealthy might as well exist in another dimension.