A post about a person unwilling to accept a last-minute request to host Christmas for their in-laws, in addition to their own family, has gone viral on Mumsnet, the U.K.-based online forum where it received over 100 comments.
In a post shared on Mumsnet’s Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU) subforum under username4561, the user said they usually host their sister and her kids as well as their mother for Christmas dinner.
The user said: “We always extend an invite to PIL [parents-in-law] who only occasionally accept. This time ILs [in-laws] want to accept but want us to host SIL [sister-in-law] and family as well.”
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This would entail hosting “a total of 15 people for dinner, 2 different dietary requirements” and the in-laws “aren’t the sort to pitch in,” the original poster said.
“Am I being unfair to say ‘no,’ that 15 is too many people?,” the user asked.
In a November 2022 YouGov survey of 1,169 U.S. adults, commissioned by JustAnswer (a live online advice platform connecting users with “verified and vetted experts”), 70 percent of millennials (those born between 1981 and 1996) and 52 percent of adults overall said they “would ‘uninvite’ someone from the annual festivities if they could do so without consequence.”
The survey also found that an aunt, uncle, nephew or cousin—rather than an in-law—is “most likely to get uninvited to a holiday gathering if people could trim the guest list.”
The user in the latest Mumsnet post said: “We use my house [for the Christmas gathering] as I have younger kids but really it is a team effort, [sister and mom pitch in], with all of it from buying food to clearing up.”
In a later post, the user said: “The more I think about it the more my blood runs cold. I actually think it’s quite a cheeky thing to ask [to have her sister-in-law and her family over for Christmas].
“Someone wants a Big Christmas but doesn’t want the hassle of actually organizing or catering for it. If they really wanted it they’d organize it in advance, not wait [until] 6 weeks before Christmas when people have already done their food orders,” the user noted in a subsequent post.
State Your Needs and Set Boundaries
Jennifer Kelman, a family therapist for JustAnswer, a licensed clinical social worker and relationships expert, told Newsweek that while the user in the latest post isn’t being unfair in this situation, “I do think it would be worthwhile to have a family conversation about it. The holidays are a time for family and friends to get together and yes, it can be stressful with a larger group.
“So you can call a family meeting and discuss what you would need in terms of help even if others in the past haven’t pitched in, so that everyone can be together and enjoy it,” she said.
Kelman noted perhaps the user could “explicitly suggest” making the Christmas dinner a potluck type of meal where everyone brings and signs up for a dish and everyone also signs up for a clean-up duty. “This way there are no issues in advance and everybody knows what they are responsible for.”
The therapist said: “Communication is always the key, and there is nothing wrong with clearly stating your needs—whether those needs are to structure a potluck sign up or the need to set a boundary around how many people you can host in your home for the meal. You can have that open and kind and gentle conversation and see what works best for everyone.”
However, if the user feels “too overwhelmed” and even a potluck-type sign-up system “still feels too much,” Kelman said the user should just let the parents-in-law know that “while you would love to be able to accommodate everyone, you just feel a bit overwhelmed and don’t feel that you can do it.”
‘Perfectly’ Reasonable to ‘Not Want All That Work’
Several users on Mumsnet sided with the original poster and shared messages of support.
User ZekeZeke said: “You are 100 percent Not being unreasonable. If your in Laws want to invite people then they should host.”
Gustavo1 said: “of course you’re not being unreasonable not to want all that work. You shouldn’t feel pressured into it…’That’s too many people for one house’ or ‘that’s too much work for me on Christmas Day’ are both perfectly good reasons not to host an enormous get together.”
Some said the user should only have the in-laws over if they agree to help out with the dinner.
StripeyDeckchair said: “Say yes on the condition that everyone takes on their allocated task…”
User frozengoose said: “I would say yes. But I would give a clear shopping list for both PIL and SIL along with the chores that they would be covering. Then they can decide if they want to come on that basis…”
Newsweek was not able to verify the details of this case.
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