My First Threesome Was Nothing Like What You See on TV

For some, like Catherine Drysdale, a 30-year-old relationship coach in San Francisco, a first-time threesome experience is stumbled upon unexpectedly. In her case, it left her wanting more.

Drysdale had her first threesome as a teenager. At the time, she was “hooking up with two brothers (not at the same time). “One night, we happened to be all partying at my house with a couple of other friends [when] I went into the bedroom with one of the brothers and their friend followed,” Drysdale says. It was, in her words, “completely spontaneous” — so, yes, while random acts of threeway sex may not occur as much as television would have us believe, they do happen.

Reflecting on it now, Drysdale mentions how she engaged in the encounter merely for the novelty of having a threesome. “In the spirit of exploration, we just went for it,”she says.

The interest levels I felt towards having a threesome were low. Why? Well, I was told by pop culture and those around me that women need to focus on the male gaze.

In many media depictions, threesomes are seen through the lens of the male gaze, with FFM threesomes viewed as the ultimate fantasy for straight, cisgender men. (It is important to note that no group of people is a monolith and that being a straight cis man does not automatically mean you are interested in threesomes, in spite of film and television tropes.) MMF threesomes are sometimes dubbed as “tag teaming,” with efforts being made to avoid “crossing swords.”

The gender identities of those in threesomes can get complicated for bisexual women seeking a threesome — and those who feel sought. The term “unicorn hunting” often suggests a straight couple looking for a single bisexual woman and has long held a negative connotation. While some are comfortable with this, others are not, including Lily*, a 30-year-old from Toronto who shared her thoughts about the online dating realm.

“I don’t like couples who are specifically looking for a unicorn,” says Lily. “I have never responded to couples on dating apps looking for a third — it [seems] like they are just looking for any warm body to fill a role instead of a genuine connection.”

With so many factors to consider, how can one guarantee that every part of an experience leading up to and after a threesome is going to be a solid one? A few of my sex educator friends — all of whom have had threesomes themselves — had plenty to say on the matter.

Before Your Threesome

Gabrielle Kassel, a sex educator in Connecticut, encourages people to reflect on the following question before even initiating one: “Why is it, exactly, that I’m interested in having a threesome?”