The escalator riddle: would we all move faster and more safely if we stopped walking on them?

Name: Escalators.

Age: 127.

Appearance: Efficient, but not efficient enough.

I’m glad this subject has come up. I have some very strong feelings about escalators. Oh, you’re one of those.

One of what, exactly? One of those people who likes to walk up and down escalators, barking at people to stick to the right-hand side.

Yes! Rules are rules. Clear a path for me, sedentary tourists! Now, what if I told you that your entire thesis was incorrect?

Pardon? What if I told you that everyone would reach their destination quicker if people like you just chilled out and stood still?

Well, I’m sure I’d tut very loudly at you. Tell that to the people of Nagoya, Japan. For years, the city has maintained a two-lane escalator system, with standers on the left and walkers on the right. But it has just introduced an ordinance banning walkers altogether.

What sort of monster ratified this? A safety-conscious monster. According to the Japan Elevator Association, improper escalator use caused 805 accidents between 2018 and 2019. Basically, the more you pelt up and down escalators, the more likely you’re going to crash into someone – probably someone who is elderly or disabled – and send them flying.

But standing still won’t get me there any quicker. No, but it’ll get everyone there quicker. Remember back in 2016, when Holborn tube station also banned walkers?

Yes, and I’ve never understood it. It’s all down to percentages. Three-quarters of people like to stand on an escalator, with the final quarter preferring to walk. So that’s a full 50% of escalator real estate being given over to a minority of users. That doesn’t seem fair.

I don’t like where this is going. So for three weeks in 2016, TfL banned walking. Suddenly 100% of the people could use 100% of the escalator. And it substantially increased efficiency. The old way could transport 12,745 people an hour. But with everyone standing still, that number rose to 16,220. It makes perfect sense.

Yes, but I am actually in a hurry. No, you aren’t. You’re just incredibly self-important. Your desire to get to the top of an escalator 20 seconds quicker holds things up for thousands of people.

So the trial was a success? God, no, and it’s all down to people like you. One person was so infuriated by the trial that they apparently screamed at TfL workers.

That’s not ideal. Exactly. It’s the sort of attitude that demonstrates no ability to appreciate the greater good, the sort of selfishness that will ultimately doom humanity.

Do say: “Please stand on both sides of the escalator.”

Don’t say: “Unless I’m using it, in which case out of my way, chumps.”