We’re pitting the Umbrella Academy against the Sparrow Academy

Season 3 of The Umbrella Academy opens with the Umbrella Academy met with a foe they never anticipated: themselves, sort of. Though the new Hargreeves children they find in the house are not alternate versions of themselves, they are a funhouse mirror of what life could have been like had a number of variables been different. This is the Sparrow Academy, and they operate like a well-oiled machine (at least from the outside).

So of course, almost immediately the Umbrella and Sparrow academies take to fighting each other. With a six-on-seven brawl, there’s a lot of moving parts. But in a showdown between individual members of the group, who would win? Glad you asked.

We paired each academy member against their numeral counterpart in the other house. Since this is a one-on-one showdown, we’re also assuming a world in which Umbrella Ben is alive and well, just for numbers’ sake. Will having a full team roster make a difference for the Umbrella Academy? Let’s find out.

Number Ones: Luther vs. Marcus

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

What are their powers? Both family leaders have super-strength — though Luther also has the body of an ape.

The showdown: I say this with the utmost love for Luther, but Marcus is demonstrably better trained and a more coordinated fighter. Would they be more evenly matched if Luther did not spend four years of his life crying on the moon? We simply do not know.

Winner: Marcus — despite basically the same power set, Marcus is more of a Chad than Luther.

Number Twos: Diego vs. Sparrow Ben

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Photo: Netflix

What are their powers? Diego is able to manipulate the trajectory of anything he throws, as well as anything thrown at him — including bullets. He, however, seems to forget he has this power all the freaking time. Ben can summon horrifying tentacles from his stomach.

The showdown: While Diego’s Wanted-style knife-throwing has all the makings of a powerful attack, in actuality his powers seem a little spotty. At the end of season 2 he curbed a whole wall of bullets, and yet he’s still mostly stuck throwing knives. Considering Diego is kind of a dummy — and that Sparrow Ben is actually pretty ruthless — this seems like another easy win for the better-organized red team.

Winner: Sparrow Ben — tentacles beat knives.

Number Threes: Allison vs. Fei

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Image: Netflix

What are their powers? With just four words, Allison is able to compel anyone to do anything she wants (and there are moments this season that hint her true power could be even greater, if she were to hone it a little more). Fei manifests deadly crows that not only attack her enemies, but also serve as her eyes — she can send them to spy on people and view attacks from different angles.

The showdown:

Zosha: …I think Allison? Because even though she loses in a fight-fight, she just needs to get four words in, basically, and it’s over.

Petrana: Yeah for sure. Unless Fei slits her throat before. But still, all Allison would need to win is to say “I heard a rumor all your birds died.”

Zosha: Whoa yikes true! Would Fei even be able to make more? Who’s to say, but I think if Allison was just able to talk at all and was focused/had her killer instinct enough, it’d be an easy win.

Winner: Allison — assuming she can hone her killer instinct to fight smart and not hard.

Number Fours: Klaus vs. Alphonso

Photo: Netflix

Image: Netflix

What are their powers? When he’s not otherwise inebriated, Klaus can commune with the dead, as well as conjure their spirits. He is also able to bring himself back to life after dying (and possibly more, though season 2 was the first time he really tested that). Alphonso’s body reverses any damage it takes upon the person inflicting the damage. In simpler terms, if you punch him in the face, you’ll feel that face punch instead.

The showdown: This one is particularly interesting, because Klaus cannot stay dead and Alphonso cannot be damaged by another person. Klaus isn’t a big fighter, but all he has to do is not stay dead. So basically, they are destined to duel for all eternity — or at least until some external event kills Alphonso, or Klaus gets bored and decides to just embrace the afterlife. And considering Klaus’ short attention span and cowardly ways, the latter is probably more likely to happen.

Winner: Draw — this is a classic case of unstoppable force meets immovable object.

Number Fives: Five vs. Sloane

Image: Netflix

Photo: Netflix

What are their powers? Five creates portals that allow him to teleport. He has some (very limited) time travel ability too. Sloane can manipulate gravity of objects and people.

The showdown: Yes, Sloane seems like the classic superhero, able to control things with her mind. But Five is scrappy as all hell, and, after a lifetime of serving with the Time Bureau, got a pretty monstrous killer instinct of his own. His fighting style is deft, dynamically adapting to his surroundings and the other person’s fighting style. All it’d take is letting Sloane get in a single lick and he’d likely adapt to popping around and punching her.

Winner: Five — his powers just improve on his formidable fighting skills, and Sloane’s not really a brutal enough fighter.

Number Sixes: Umbrella Ben vs. Jayme

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Image: Netflix

What are their powers? Like the Sparrow version, Ben is able to summon tentacles with his body. Jayme spits venom that causes people to hallucinate.

The showdown: While Ben’s tentacles could theoretically apprehend Jayme, this version of Ben is a softie and Jayme is the type of person to hiss at you in a convenience store just because you looked at her wrong. In a fight, Jayme — who also benefits from the Sparrow training regimen — should be able to avoid Ben’s tentacles and get an opportunity to spit on him. While he’s hallucinating, that gives her the perfect opportunity to go in for the kill.

Winner: Jayme — all she needs to do is dreeeaaammm.

Number Sevens: Viktor vs. Christopher

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Image: Netflix

What are their powers? Viktor, who almost ended the world twice, is able to manipulate sound waves, which turns into energy projection, force-field generation, and even weather control. His powers do require him being in contact with sound, however. Christopher can manipulate the temperature of a room, tase people (basically), and also induce fear into the minds of beings.

The showdown: Viktor has almost ended the world twice, and that was without even really trying. Considering those times had a lot to do with Viktor losing control of his emotions, it seems Christopher’s main power to make Viktor afraid would just make his situation worse.

Winner: Viktor — did we mention he almost ended the world twice?